as i was going through some fabric earlier today, i came across these blocks. two things instantly came to mind:
1. the song “crazy” (patsy cline version)
2. “wow…you’ve come a long way.”
have you ever been the unfortunate party to be part of a relationship that, no matter how hard you try or how many pounds of flesh and blood you give, all you’re left with is pain and sadness? and questions…so many questions. “what am i missing here; why is this not working; how many times do we have to go through this before it gets right?” yeah…not fun.
a rainy day in may of last year turned out to be the breaking point for me. of course, i know this now; that particular day, all i knew was that i wanted to bang my head against the wall, repeatedly. after yet another long conversation (one of hundreds) with all the same ole stuff rehashed, i walked away from it all before my head exploded (truly, i thought it was on the verge). retreating into my sewing room, the last thing i wanted to do was repeat history: sit down and sob, pray, sob some more and then, after some length of time, pull my numb body and mind back into the present…and carry on. this time proved to be different. i popped in a cd that i randomly grabbed, turned the volume up and grabbed some fabric. it turns out that a pile of solids were laying on the cutting table at the time. frustrated, i grabbed my rotary cutter and starting hacking into the unwashed (*gasp*) pile. when my mind started drifting back to the dead horse i just beat, i grabbed a handful of the now mutilated fabrics and plopped down in front of my sewing machine.
i sewed. and when i ran out of cut fabric, i hacked out some more. the cycle continued until, several hours later, i was too drained to be trusted with a rotary cutter (not that it was a smart idea to be handling sharp objects earlier!). the next day, it was more of the same, but at a less frantic pace. then, without warning, i just packed the whole kit and kaboodle up and didn’t touch it again…until today.
isn’t the human brain interesting? the sight of an object can send it whirling back to that exact moment in time instantly. not always a pleasant ride, but insightful just the same.
i could just wad up this pile of blocks and throw them away. so many years of my life is stitched up into those seams that were so frantically constructed out of sheer frustration and peppered with pain. why would i want to keep these? because i’m not there anymore.
something happened to me during those two days of sewing; i started to became a different person. that dead horse is still dead, but i refuse to pound away at it any longer. somewhere, somehow, a different person has emerged from all of that. so many dreams had to be laid down, which is always a painful process….a process that took me well over two decades. but now, today, i can say with confidence, “rest in peace”. i have moved on.
different ideas are flowing through my head for these blocks. they are quite unlike anything else that i have ever made, but i plan on making some lemonade with my crazy lemons.